Friday, February 03, 2006

Desperately seeking... something

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't coming back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found
Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me*

I woke up this morning with the Ballad of Serenity ringing in my mind. It's kind of an unusual thing really, seeing as I haven't watched Firefly or Serenity in a bit, but the lyrics seemed really poignant to me for some reason.

I've realized recently that something is missing from my life. It's like there's this gaping hole in my reality that I need to fill, but I can't. The worst part is that subconsciously I've known it was there for a long time, and I've tried at various points to fill it, but nothing has worked out in that respect so far. But now, now that I've finally acknowledged the elephant in the room that I've been trying so hard to ignore... I can't stop trying to figure out what it is that I need to fill the hole.

Is this emptiness a function of being alone? Maybe, but if it is, then why haven't I felt it in other parts of my life when I was just as alone?

Is it because I'm so unhappy in my job at the moment? Possibly, but again if that's all it is, why now, after being at the same unhappy place for 4 years?

The more I think about it. The more I ponder the entire situation, the more I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, what's really missing in my life right now... is me. I'm not happy with who I have become over the last few years. I feel like I've given away too much of who I am and let go of things I should have held on to. I look in the mirror on mornings like this one, and I don't see myself as the person I wanted to become.

So, perhaps it's time to begin. Time to become. Time to transform the man I am, into the man I feel like I should be. And maybe, just maybe, if I manage that... I'll finally find my Serenity.

*Ballad of Serenity, lyrics by Joss Whedon