Saturday, August 27, 2005

Why do people always shoot the messenger?

So I did the nice guy thing for my ex-wife...again.

I sat down and did a Tarot reading for her this afternoon. She wanted reassurance that everything with her new boyfriend would work out and she'd get the happily ever after she wants. So I told her what the cards had to say, and it wasn't all hugs and puppies, because let's face it, life is never that easy.

Now, I've been a practicing witch for a long time now. And yes, the correct term is witch, not warlock. Warlock was a term for a witch that betrayed their coven, for some reason Hollywood latched onto it for use in reference to male witches and popularized it, but I digress. At any rate, I'm fairly skilled at using and interpreting the Tarot. Unfortunately, I didn't see anything particularly happy in her relationships and I told her exactly what it was that I saw.

So, of course, she gets pissed off at me, and complains that I never have anything good to tell her. Which begs the question if she never likes what I have to tell her, why the hell does she keep asking me the same questions?

Reassurance

I don't get it.

I really, really don't get it.

Every time that I think I have a handle on my life and that I'm putting the pieces back together, I get confronted by something that reminds me just how far I still really have to go. It's not right and it's not fair. But then, no one ever said that it had to be either I suppose. It's moments like this one that make me confront two things that are extremely difficult for me to face.

The first of those facts is that my now ex-wife is completely and utterly selfish, and that she always has been. We've been separated since May of 2004 and divorced since May of 2005. In all that time, she has not hesitated to ask...no, to expect me to reassure her that everything is going to be okay for her. That everything is going to work out and that she'll be able to find someone to be happy with.

Funny thing, she was the first person to bring up divorce when we were having problems. I'll admit to having been the one that suggested we try separating for a while, in the hopes that a little space would help us both figure things out, but I only did that after she mentioned divorce. More to the point, the night that we had "decided" to separate I begged and pleaded with her. I didn't want it because I thought we could figure out a way to work things out. I tried repeatedly to find a way to reconcile, and all for naught.

She filed the papers. She wanted the divorce. She decided when to call it quits. I did what I always did, I gave her what she wanted, or what I thought she wanted. That's what I do. I have so very little confidence and self-esteem, that in a relationship I always put my wants, needs and desires second to the other person. I know, it's not healthy to be that way. It's not what I should do, but it is what I always end up doing.

This leads me directly to the second thing that this situation forces me to face. Despite everything, despite her selfishness and her lack of compassion for me, I still love her. And that is a painful admission to end all painful admissions. Saying that is one of those things that rips my insides out. But it is the truth.

The one good thing that has come out of this though, is that I now understand that loving her isn't enough. That this marriage was doomed to fall apart, not because I didn't love her or because she didn't love me. I honestly do think that she loved me, as much as she has ever loved anyone. My marriage failed because love by itself is not enough to sustain a marriage. Marriages are sustained by compromise and personal sacrifices on the part of both spouses. I managed to keep my marriage alive for almost 8 years, but it ultimately failed because I was the only one who was willing to compromise or to make real sacrifices.

And even now, she still turns to me, expecting me to make sacrifices to reassure her that everything is going to be okay. That everything is going to work out fine. The question that this really leaves me with though, is who's more pathetic, her for asking, or me for answering?

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Relapse...

Okay, just when I thought I was finally shaking the seemingly non-stop streak of bad luck that has plagued me since the beginning of the year... something else has to fall apart.

For the second time in 3 months, a pipe has burst in the trailer I'm renting. The first time it happened, it went undetected for a while before being discovered and fixed. A problem which resulted in my water bills costing me $170 more then normal over the course of a two month period.

This time, I have no way of knowing if the water has been leaking for a while, but I would assume that it has, only in a drippy rather than a spurty way. Last night, however, I came home to a kitchen floor covered in water, because a coupling in the cold water line under my sink was spraying water all over the place. Yay.

It just seems that I can't win for losing this year. Anybody know a good shaman that might be able to drive off the evil luck I appear to be plagued with?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

As an afterthought...

Something occurred to me today, that I should have mentioned here back in June.

I originally started Hopeless Dreams as a blog site that I was going to use to make my writings available to the public. Unfortunately, from what I could determine, blogspot sites are pretty poorly suited to such an endeavor, and I quickly discarded that idea.

Luckily for me, a buddy of mine at work runs a web-design and hosting company on the side and I was able to get him to hook me up with some inexpensive, ad-free webspace. So I registered a domain and moved Hopeless Dreams. You can find the site, which is currently only hosting my fanfic endeavors, at http://www.hopelessdreams.com or by clicking the link for hopeless dreams on this page. Eventually, I'll expand the site to include some of my original fiction, but for now, there's not much of my original work that's fit to post.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Unexpected Praise

It never ceases to amaze me, just how funny this old world can be.

I mentioned a few posts back that I've started writing fanfic and working with a beta-reader, a kind of voluntary editor who helps me write better. Well, as soon as I posted the first piece of that story, I got an offer from someone else, who'd said that they would love an opportunity to beta for me on my next story. It seemed weird to me, because this person also suggested that with as good as my writing was, that I'd have a bunch of fans in no time.

So now, after posting 9 chapters on my first fic and realizing that there's no end to it in sight, I started a second fic. One that was intended to be a short distraction before I move back on with my bigger story. And I got in touch with the young lady who'd offered to beta my next story for me to offer her the opportunity.

Now don't get me wrong, I really like the first beta that I worked with. I have a good working relationship with him and I trust his advice alot. But, as I've come to realize, different people will notice different flaws in my style and working with other folks can only strengthen my skills overall. Plus, the fact is that my new beta-reader also works professionally as an editor for a small publishing company, so bonus!

At any rate, she was still interested so I let her take a pass at my work. By the end of the day today, she'd read it, then let 4 interns at her publishing house read it, and then her boss read it over lunch. And they all loved the story I'd written. She even went so far as to say that what I'd written was much better then most of the trash she had to edit for work and that if I seriously had aspirations to become a professional fiction author, that I should consider pursuing them.

Now, admittedly, I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. Writing good fanfic is so not the same as writing good original fiction. Plus, both she and her boss are fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and so are probably a little predispositioned to like Buffy-based fiction and therefore could hardly be considered an unbiased opinion.

Still though, having my work praised by people who are actually professional editors felt pretty damn good. And maybe, just maybe, there could be something to what they've said.