Saturday, May 28, 2005

A year and a day

It is done. Over. Finished. I am free.

I wish I could say that there was an immediate sense of relief, that I was happy about it at the time. The truth is there was no instant change. No magical sense of closure or feeling of it being behind me. It felt no different to me at at the time. Yesterday, however, I did start to feel better. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have moments where I want nothing more then to wallow in my sadness, but things are improving.

Today is a landmark day for me. It has now been a year and a day since my separation from my ex-wife began. I don't know why, but everything feels different today. It feels like it's finally okay for me to stop greiving this failed marriage and begin to try and really move on. It's going to take some getting used to, but it just doesn't hurt the way it used to anymore. I think I've finally really begun to heal.

And that's a beautiful thing in its own right.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Falling to Pieces

So, the week I've been dreading for months is finally here. Over the span of the next few days, I'm going to turn 31 and the next day I'm going to sit through my divorce hearing. Things are not good. Not good at all.

I can't focus..on anything..anything at all really. Maintaining adequate focus to even write this entry is currently verging on the impossible. I keep losing the thread of my thoughts and having to back up and try to find it again. I've spent the past few months trying very hard to pick up the pieces of my life and get everything back to some sense of normal. And now, as I stand on the edge of being finished with this mess, at the point where I should be ready to find closure, I'm falling apart all over again.

I don't know if I can do this. I can't sleep, I have hardly any desire to eat, I find myself obsessing over the trivialities of my life. I feel like a part of me has died and I've been waiting for the funeral for months, but now as the inevitable day closes in on me, the grieving gets to start all over again.

The part that scares me, that terrifies me beyond all reason, is that I think I'm going to be alone like this for the rest of my life. I came to realize something this weekend, it never used to bother me that I was alone. Not until I found her, not until I knew what it meant to be in love. Not until I got married and learned how to be *with* someone. I learned what it's like to not be alone.

You see, I married the woman I had my first serious relationship with as an adult. I had dated a couple girls in high school exclusively, but very briefly, and that had been a hellish experience all its own. Those relationships weren't exactly healthy, in even the most abstract sense of the word.

I guess the point is, that I've forgotten how to deal with being alone, truly and completely alone, and I never really learned how to find someone to be with. And this isn't going to get any easier either from the looks of things.

How do you pick up the pieces and put your life back together, when you can't see how they fit?

Friday, May 06, 2005

What's wrong with me??

I swear it's at moments like this one when I'm left wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I think I must be one of the most pathetic people on the planet sometimes.

You see, I just dropped into a fit of depression this morning. For what is, in the grand scheme of things, a silly-ass reason. Last night there was a round of advanced screenings of the Serenity movie. I've done a really good job up until now of not reading any spoilers and ruining anything about the movie for myself. I hadn't planned to read any and since the admins over at the Browncoat boards had already created a separate forum for folks to talk about the movie to their heart's content and spout spoilers all day if they wanted to, I figured it'd be safe for me to hit the boards first thing this morning. Unfortunately, someone wasn't thinking and had posted a Big Damn Spoiler right in the topic of their post without any warning whatsoever. And that topic was staring me right in the face when I glanced at the latest discussions list.

I was dumbstruck by it. My first response was..this has got to be someone's idea of a poor joke. I wanted to just pretend I hadn't seen it and go on with my day, but I couldn't. I had to know if it was true. So I clicked that post and read about it. And it was true.

And now, I'm depressed over an event that happens in a movie that I won't get to see for at least another 147 days. I know, it's pathetic, but then I guess so am I.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

New things and not so new things

I've decided to try something new. I'm going to start posting some of my attempts at writing fiction on the internet. To accomodate this, I've started a second blog site, one that I'll only update as I have new material available. I'm calling that site Hopeless Dreams and there's a link to it in my sidebar here. I haven't exactly worked out the details yet on how I'm going to post the material, but as soon as I get that worked out, I'm going to post the first piece.

I continue to pick up the pieces of my life and try to make sense of the things that are going on around me, but some days this is a lot more difficult then others. Last night, I had a somewhat long and pleasant conversation with my not quite ex-wife. We just chit-chatted for a half hour on nothing of any serious consequence. It was..nice, but also sort of strange and confusing on some levels. I mean, for thirty minutes there we talked the way we used to, before we even got married. There was a big part of me that thought I'd never be able to relate to her that way again, I sort of thought that we'd just drift away and after a while, the only times we'd talk would be when we were discussing our son. In fact, that's seemed to be how things were going up until last night.

Maybe we can salvage something of a friendship out of this mess after all. That would be nice, not to mention how good it would be for Chance in the long run. Something, however, tells me to doubt that this is going to become a frequent event. As it was, the majority of the conversation centered on her, the only thing she asked me about was the new job that I applied for, and her interest in that is somewhat selfish anyway. After all, a new job making more money equates to more child-support money for her. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't mind paying child-support, quite the opposite actually, I want my son to have everything that I can give him.

I don't know, I'm not sure how to read her motives in all of this anymore. Hell, I wasn't any good at reading her motives when we were married, why would I suddenly be any better at it now?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Garbage and other things

Well, dispite a somewhat disappointing weekend, the week is off to a fairly positive start. While poking around on the net this morning, I found out that I missed the release of an album that I've been patiently waiting for since 2001. Now admittedly, I'd lost track of it and wasn't sure that the band was ever putting out another album, but that is actually beside the point. Apparently, Garbage released their fourth album on April 12th..and I just bought it today. The album is great, I absolutely love it, so it stands a good chance of making my entire week better.

The weekend was a disappointment though, as I've come to realize that I have been out of the clubbing/dating game for so long that I have no clue how to meet new people. I've decided, however, that dispite my feeling out of place and being uncertain, that the only thing that I can really do is to just keep going. After all, I can't get used to it again if I continue to hide at home in front of my PC.

As a number of people have been quick to point out to me in the past few days, I do tend to spend entirely too much time alone. This has actually been one of the primary motivators for me to get off my butt and go out more. I think they're right. Of course, after this past weekend I've come to realize that just because I'm in a crowded club, I'm not necessarily any less alone, in fact, I quite possibly am even more alone that way. But at any rate, it's a step that can only lead in the right direction, since I figure that where I am in my life is all wrong.

Well, that's enough of my rambling for now, I'm going to go soak up my new garbage disc and enjoy the end to a very tolerable Monday.