So, the week I've been dreading for months is finally here. Over the span of the next few days, I'm going to turn 31 and the next day I'm going to sit through my divorce hearing. Things are not good. Not good at all.
I can't focus..on anything..anything at all really. Maintaining adequate focus to even write this entry is currently verging on the impossible. I keep losing the thread of my thoughts and having to back up and try to find it again. I've spent the past few months trying very hard to pick up the pieces of my life and get everything back to some sense of normal. And now, as I stand on the edge of being finished with this mess, at the point where I should be ready to find closure, I'm falling apart all over again.
I don't know if I can do this. I can't sleep, I have hardly any desire to eat, I find myself obsessing over the trivialities of my life. I feel like a part of me has died and I've been waiting for the funeral for months, but now as the inevitable day closes in on me, the grieving gets to start all over again.
The part that scares me, that terrifies me beyond all reason, is that I think I'm going to be alone like this for the rest of my life. I came to realize something this weekend, it never used to bother me that I was alone. Not until I found her, not until I knew what it meant to be in love. Not until I got married and learned how to be *with* someone. I learned what it's like to not be alone.
You see, I married the woman I had my first serious relationship with as an adult. I had dated a couple girls in high school exclusively, but very briefly, and that had been a hellish experience all its own. Those relationships weren't exactly healthy, in even the most abstract sense of the word.
I guess the point is, that I've forgotten how to deal with being alone, truly and completely alone, and I never really learned how to find someone to be with. And this isn't going to get any easier either from the looks of things.
How do you pick up the pieces and put your life back together, when you can't see how they fit?