Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Looking up.

Today is looking very shiny, hell, this whole week has been shiny from my perspective. And yes, that's a not so subtle reference to one of the things that has me happy and excited this week. You see, the first trailer for Serenity, a movie I've been anxiously looking forward to, came out yesterday, and I'm just amped because of it. Sure, I have to wait to September to see it, because I can't get out of enough work to drive to Atlanta or Chicago for the early screenings on May 5th, but I can be patient. Hell, I've been waiting for Firefly to make a comeback since Fox canned it in back in '02, what's a few more weeks.

Other things are looking up as well: I just put my application in for a new job, doing computer programming for a bank. Admittedly it's in RPG and will be about as exciting as watching paint dry, but seeing as it's a shorter commute, with better benefits and pays about $12k more a year then I'm making right now (and its an entry level position to boot, go figure)..I think I can cope with it. Plus since I have plenty of experience in maintaining and expanding legacy applications, I think I have a pretty good shot at getting the job.

My personal life, well that's still not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse either, so I guess that's a blessing in its own right. Work just got interesting as well. A series of events that I was not anticipating has fast-tracked my main project, and we now have a deadline of December 31 to complete the first half of it. That's a big crunch, but rather then feeling stressed out and frustrated, I feel challenged and invigorated. I feel..alive..and it feels really good. Maybe this is how it starts to get better.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Delusion and Distraction

I think I may have a problem...

There's this big part of me that wants to just leave. To turn around, walk away and never look back. Just leave this life behind and go start anew somewhere else. There's not really alot left here to anchor me here, or anywhere else for that matter. I feel like I've cast adrift on the ocean of life with no way to go back home.

That's really the big problem..where the hell IS home? I know this place isn't home anymore. Hasn't been since everything feel apart in marriage. I want to believe that I'm meant to go to New Orleans. When I visited it for the first time last October, it felt like I had come home. The big catch? I went to New Orleans with my ex-wife. So, I have to question it. Did it feel like home because that's where I should be, or did it feel like home because I was with her? Even if it is where I'm supposed to go, how is that going to happen? The only thing that I have left tying me down is my son. My pride and joy. The only thing in my life that I still feel really connected to. I don't know if I can walk away, don't know if I can do that to him. Hurt him like that.

It's not easy to think about these things.. Hell it's not easy to do anything about it either. I feel alone, I have lost my way and cannot find the path. I don't know where to turn for the help I need to go from here.

What am I supposed to do???

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Once more, with Feeling..

It's really surprising sometimes the things that can make you stop and think.

Tonite I watched one of my all time favorite episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. An episode that I've only seen a couple times because for some reason it doesn't seem to get aired as part of the normal syndication run of the series. The name of the episode was "Once more with Feeling". In order to appreciate the train of my thoughts tonite, it's sorta important to be familiar with the episode in question. The episode was done as a musical, courtesy of a demon being summoned that caused everyone to break out into songs and dance in the manner of a classic broadway musical. It was about the 7th episode of season 6. At the time, Buffy (who'd been raised from the dead at the beginning of the season) was distant and detached from her friends, largely because they'd brought her back from Heaven and had no clue, having assumed (for some reason) that she was in Hell.

Generally speaking, through the course of the musical numbers Buffy sings (and through the course of the episodes prior to this one) it becomes increasingly clear that Buffy feels dead inside still, that after her time in Heaven, this world feels very much like hell. That she feels like she is just "going through the motions" of her life. She also doesn't feel like she can exactly confide in her closest friends about how she feels, since she can't bring herself to tell them where she really was when she was dead.

The episode itself, from a detached perspective, is great, as the musical numbers serve to make it possible for things to be revealed that otherwise might be much more difficult and time-consuming to reveal. But of course, by itself, that wouldn't exactly be something sufficiently meaningful to prompt me to open up and pour a piece of myself out into the net.

The problem is that watching that episode tonite, Buffy's pain and isolation struck a chord with me that it didn't hit when I first watched the episode a couple (almost 3) years ago. For the first time I really understood what it felt like to be as alone as she did, to want so desperately to FEEL alive. To feel something other then an inescapable sense of pain and loss. There's a big part of me that knows thatI've spent most of the last year clinging to dust and shadows, trying to hold onto something that I knew was lost to me. Ever since my wife and I separated last May I've been dying in small steps. Only now, those steps aren't so small, and I feel all empty inside.

I want to feel that fire again. I want to feel connected again, to feel like I'm part of the world rather then isolated from it. I want to feel like I belong, like there is a reason for me to continue onward, a reason more compelling then just continuing to go through the motions. But god damn it I'm scared. I'm terrified of reaching out and being rejected. It took me literally months to pull myself back together after my ex- started dating her new boyfriend. I've never been really good at the whole meeting people/having a normal relationship thing. It's damn near miraculous that I ended up getting married at all.

I am lost. I just hope that I can find the courage to look for the path before its too late.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Objects at rest

Some times, posting here is incredibly difficult to do. Other times, it's very simple. On days like today (nights like tonite) the simple act of articulating what's going on inside my head is a struggle. Part of me wants to claim that it's because my mind isn't entirely my own again yet. I've been off of my anti-depressants for barely a month and surely they're still clouding my mind to some extant or other. While I can't deny that I can still feel some lingering effects from the drugs that I was on, deep down I know that those effects have nothing at all to do with the trouble I sometimes have with the idea of writing a coherent entry.

I know that it would be very easy to use that trouble as a good reason not to post anything at all. I also know that, since virtually no-one reads this, no one would notice or care if I let another day slide past without posting. But no matter how compelling those lines of reason may be, I know that I need to post, I need to try and express what's going on in my head, try to get it out in the open before it can slip away.

I know that I need to make things change in my life. I need to take some risk, make an effort to get my life back on track, to try to reconnect to the real world. I also know that I am making excuses not to, I'm clinging to pleasant fictions instead of embracing my reality. I am not even able to claim that I'm surrendering to the things in my life that I can't control. I'm not surrendering, because I never stood up to fight them. I've taken my life lying down for a long while now. I've let inertia slip in and lock me down and now I lack the energy, the focus, the strength of will to overcome it. I've let myself grow attached to my illusions and its not good for me.

I've let inertia set in. I've become complacent and let reality walk over top of me. I've got to start pushing back, got to get my life back in motion and start moving forward. It's just not an easy thing to do. And on some nights, nights like tonite, I'm going to lose the fight. I'm going to flounder around to try and express my thoughts and feelings and when I get to the end of it, I'm going to look back and know that tonite I failed. Tonite the things in my head that I wanted to be rid of, got away. Tonite, I lose.

In the grander scheme, I can only hope that I somehow manage to win these struggles more often then I end up losing them.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Who the Hell am I?

Have you ever just had one of those moments of absolute clarity? The kind that leave you questioning your very identity?

I had one of those tonite..and it was just bizarre. For a moment, just a moment, I realized just how little sense my life makes. The stark reality of just how barren my existence really is hit home hard and I was left wondering "what the fuck am I doing with my life?". It was NOT a good feeling. It was the kind of illusionless moment when every little lie you tell yourself to get through the day seemed pale, transparent and empty. It's a scary feeling, let me tell you.

At a moment like that, it becomes very easy to understand how its possible for people to commit suicide. Everything seemed pointless and in that moment life was totally devoid of any spark of meaning. For a short while, life seemed to be a sick joke, inflicted on humanity to torment it. Now, from this side of the moment, I can see very clearly how someone who felt that way could give up, give in, and in a moment of weakness, throw everything away.

This is the second time in my life when I've had this kind of moment. Frighteningly though, it's the first time I was completely and utterly alone during it. The first (and only other time) that it happened, I almost became a statistic. At the time it happened my wife (whom I am in the process of divorcing now) came home to find me in the bathroom of the house with my handgun thinking about killing myself. I came back from the edge that day.

This time, things were different. I am much stronger right now and despite the bleak outlook that I experienced in that moment, suicide never crossed my mind. I was, however, forced to give some thought to what I'm doing with my life and where I am going from here. It was..a good thing. It made me accept some things that I've been trying to avoid. I can't keep living the life I've been trying to live. I have to come to terms with the man I've become in the past few years and I have to start caring about my own well-being. I have to stop just existing and start LIVING.

A storm is coming. A big one. And in its wake, my life will truly begin anew. In the meantime, I must be patient and prepare to weather it as best I can. Change can be beautiful and terrible, paingul and joyful, peaceful and chaotic. This change will be all of that and more..much more. I can only hope that I am strong enough to withstand it all.