Monday, November 07, 2005

Chaos, Fear and Uncertainty

Something is looming and it's beginning to make me worry. The part that's bothersome is that I know what it is that's got me anxious, but that knowledge is not serving to help matters any.

You see, K. is coming back to town this weekend. She'll be arriving on Thursday evening and will be leaving to go back home (to her boyfriend/ex-fiance M.) Monday morning. As it stands, with her having to be in a wedding Saturday afternoon and me having my son on Friday night, I'll probably see her Thursday night and Sunday night.

I'm trying very hard to maintain a Zen about the whole situation, but it's terribly difficult. Despite my previous assertions that I don't want to have a sexual relationship with her while she is still involved with M., I'm not sure that my resolve will hold up in the face of temptation...and damn is she tempting me. Already, just our conversations over the weekend have strayed towards a repeat performance of her last visit.

And everything in my life is colored with uncertainty and chaos at the moment. I'm drifting remarkably close to having absolutely no control over any part of my life, and this a scant week after declaring that I was going to take control of it. A big part of my current problems stem from realizing just how alone I really am right now, and the edges of a relapse in my depression are pressing in on me because of it.

I need someone in my life. I need something real, something that can marshall my emotions against the negativity building around me. I've realized that what I have with K. is not real: she is using me and I am letting her do it. How's that for self-respect?

What I don't know though, is how to find something real. Meeting women isn't exactly a skill that I've mastered down through the ages. Almost every serious relationship I just sort of fell into. No, that's not true...absolutely every one of them I met through one of my friends.

So, what am I supposed to do now?? I really don't know.


At 12:43:00 PM, Blogger FlotsamCollector said...

Just remember, my friend, that control is an illusion. All that we can do is guide events toward a desired outcome.

While I know that this may sound a bit hypocritical due to my current thoughts, feelings and situation, be strong from within, be true to yourself and look for the positive.

"Ever mind the rule of three."

And remember, that even though my life is also in turmoil, I am there for you.


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