Monday, November 21, 2005

Letting the dust settle

It's been two hellishly chaotic weeks since the last time that I managed to take the time to post. Things did not go well with K.'s visit and she and I will not be seeing each other again as long as she is still with M. This means that she and I probably won't be seeing each other again at all, as I have serious doubts that she has any intention of ever leaving M. There's a part of me that was saddened by that realization, but frankly, I think it's probably for the best.

Things in my life were made even more awkward last week, when the person doing my background investigation for my security clearance showed up at my current job. They were supposed to have notified me in advance of when they were going to do that, because my current employer still didn't know that I was looking for another job nor that I had one lined up. Needless to say, this resulted in all manner of awkwardness. On the plus side, of the many possible reactions I'd anticipated from the person who runs the company I currently work for, I got the easiest to live with one -- namely, I am a non-person. She just ignores me completely. With as small-minded and petty as they are capable of being, this is actually a good thing, I mean she could be going out of her way to really make me miserable instead of just ignoring, so I count myself as lucky in that regard at least.

And now of course Thanksgiving is looming at the end of the week. Normally, I don't much mind this particular holiday, but I let my mother talk me into going with her and my stepfather to visit my sister in Kentucky this year, so I've essentially committed myself to a 4 day stretch without my lifeline (the internet). I am taking my laptop with me, maybe I'll at least be able to get some of my homework done over the weekend, seeing as the due dates for everything that I've got left to do (2 assignments and completing an AI project) is December 9th. There's really not a lot of time left...

Oh, and it looks like I should expect to hear something about when I can start my new job by the early part of December. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd pin a start date at the beginning of the new year, since I'm not overly keen on the idea of moving the week of Christmas. Here's hoping.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Chaos, Fear and Uncertainty

Something is looming and it's beginning to make me worry. The part that's bothersome is that I know what it is that's got me anxious, but that knowledge is not serving to help matters any.

You see, K. is coming back to town this weekend. She'll be arriving on Thursday evening and will be leaving to go back home (to her boyfriend/ex-fiance M.) Monday morning. As it stands, with her having to be in a wedding Saturday afternoon and me having my son on Friday night, I'll probably see her Thursday night and Sunday night.

I'm trying very hard to maintain a Zen about the whole situation, but it's terribly difficult. Despite my previous assertions that I don't want to have a sexual relationship with her while she is still involved with M., I'm not sure that my resolve will hold up in the face of temptation...and damn is she tempting me. Already, just our conversations over the weekend have strayed towards a repeat performance of her last visit.

And everything in my life is colored with uncertainty and chaos at the moment. I'm drifting remarkably close to having absolutely no control over any part of my life, and this a scant week after declaring that I was going to take control of it. A big part of my current problems stem from realizing just how alone I really am right now, and the edges of a relapse in my depression are pressing in on me because of it.

I need someone in my life. I need something real, something that can marshall my emotions against the negativity building around me. I've realized that what I have with K. is not real: she is using me and I am letting her do it. How's that for self-respect?

What I don't know though, is how to find something real. Meeting women isn't exactly a skill that I've mastered down through the ages. Almost every serious relationship I just sort of fell into. No, that's not true...absolutely every one of them I met through one of my friends.

So, what am I supposed to do now?? I really don't know.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Welcome to another new year

So, this is the beginning of the new year. So far, it's not particularly different from the old year, but in some ways that's okay. A new year in and of itself is a good thing, it's a perfect time for new beginnings and letting go of the illusions we cling to about ourselves and our lives. That's what I really need now, a new beginning, a fresh start, renewal of self.

That's my goal for the new year, not a resolution, I don't make those. Resolutions are too easily broken and too quickly forgotten. This is more than that. This is a pledge, a vow, an oath if you will, sworn between myself and my Goddess that I will make more of my life this year than I have in the past. It's important to me, sacred even.

In the past, I've let other people push and pressure me into doing, saying, and even trying to be things that I just am not. I've let others dictate the path of my life. That stops today. Today, I reclaim my self.

Today, my life begins again.