Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Waiting Game

I hate waiting. As many people can attest, patience is just not my strongest suit and I don't do well with situations where I have to wait for unspecified periods of time.

Take for instance my new job. I haven't started it yet, I'm still working at the old company (which I despise beyond words). I have to get a security clearance to start working and that takes time. An unspecified, uncontrollable amount of time. So I have to just wait patiently for them to call me and set a start date, and the waiting is killing me.

The longer I have to wait, the less real the prospect of getting out of this stagnant point in my life becomes. It feels more and more like a fleeting dream of freedom that may or may not ever come to pass and less like a real prospect for things to change in my life. And my life desperately needs to change. This new job, the attendant move to a new town, and the possibility of more or less getting a fresh new start on my life - these are the things that are keeping me going right now.

Everything that I am is in flux right now. There's no stability, no foundation, no control - just chaos. And things can't settle back into place until this wait is over. I know that. There's too much movement in my life right now, even though its not going anywhere. It's frustration of potential, this massive pending upheaval that can't manifest yet, but just keeps building and stirring restlessly.

If things don't resolve soon, it may just drive me completely crazy.

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